


All the Wrong Questions

by Alexis_Rockford, Cassandra_Elise



Series: The Trickster and the Time Lord [1]
Category: Broadchurch, Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Jeopardy! (US TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Doctor (Doctor Who), BAMF Loki (Marvel), Banter, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Crack Crossover, Fix-It, Gallows Humor, Game Shows, Gen, Mentions of Tom Hiddleston, Meta, Metafiction, Multi, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Saves the Day, The Doctor on His Own, Wish Fulfillment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-03 03:56:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14560341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Rockford/pseuds/Alexis_Rockford, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassandra_Elise/pseuds/Cassandra_Elise
Summary: Loki, the Tenth Doctor, and Ellie Miller (Or is it Angela Burr?) have been plucked out of their timelines at critical moments in order to playJeopardy!on a mysterious spaceship. The stakes? Their lives! (Contains Spoilers forInfinity War.)





	1. This Is Jeopardy!

EXT. SPACE - NIGHT

An impressive looking SPACESHIP the size of a small city heads toward the camera. It gets closer and closer until we zoom inside one of the large tinted WINDOWS on an upper deck.

Inside, it is nearly pitch-dark. Camera zooms toward three squarish shapes with shadowed figures slumped over them. The one in the middle, MILLER, stirs.

MILLER  
Ugh, my head. Where am I?  
(She turns to look around and notices an unconscious form  
on each of the desks to either side of her.)  
Oi!  
(She nudges the one to her right.)  
Hardy, is that you?  
(She shines the torch from her phone into the DOCTOR’S face.)

DOCTOR  
(mumbling)  
Put that light out and get me a cup of tea.  
I fear my regeneration went rather badly again.

MILLER  
(continuing to shine the torch)  
Really, Hardy?  
I’m your partner, not your bloody secretary.

DOCTOR  
Partners? I thought we were going with  
“companions” these days, but sure.  
(Beat)  
Wait a minute?  
Who are you calling “Hardy?”

MILLER  
You, of course!  
That’s your name, isn’t it?

DOCTOR  
Is it?  
(He runs a hand through his hair in confusion)

MILLER  
I don’t know, actually.  
Where’s your irascible Scottish burr  
and your unkempt beard?

(Just then, the other figure begins to move.  
Miller shines the light in his direction.  
LOKI wakes up and looks at the others.)

LOKI  
What the Hel?

MILLER  
Wait, do I know you? Did you dye your hair?

LOKI  
I think not, mortal.

MILLER  
Excuse me?  
First “regeneration” and now “mortal?”  
Who are you people?

LOKI  
I am a god, you dull creature.

DOCTOR  
I’m the Doctor.  
I’m a Time Lord.  
I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous.  
I'm 905 years old and I'm the man who is gonna save your lives.

MILLER  
Come again?

ROLL CREDITS

ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS

STARRING

TOM HIDDLESTON AS LOKI

DAVID TENNANT AS THE DOCTOR

OLIVIA COLMAN AS ELLIE MILLER/ANGELA BURR (We’re fuzzy on that)

WITH SPECIAL GUEST ALEX TREBEK AS ALEXBOT

(The lights in the room suddenly blink to life.  
The three strangers realize that they are in  
what appears to be the Sony Pictures Television  
Studios. Movie cameras surround them and a  
Giant computer monitor made up of little blue squares  
Faces them. Beyond the cameras is the window that  
was panned through at the beginning of the scene.  
The Doctor walks over toward the window and  
The black expanse of space beyond. Miller follows  
Him. Loki tries to move but he is handcuffed to  
The podium at which he is standing. He waves  
His free hand about as though trying to conjure a spell)

LOKI  
A magic dampener? Really?

MILLER  
Hardy-

DOCTOR  
I’m the Doctor.

MILLER  
Right. Well, Doctor, can you explain a few things to me?

DOCTOR  
I can explain many things to you: the political machinations of the  
Shadow Proclamation, the physics of dark and antimatter,  
The wibbly-wobbly nature of time itself, the-  
(Beat.)  
Oh. You meant can I explain a few specific things  
That you haven’t yet asked. Well, go on then.

MILLER  
How come we can see so many stars out here?  
We must be in the middle of the bloody desert or something.

LOKI  
Isn’t it obvious? We’re in space.

MILLER  
I wasn’t asking you. I was asking-  
Wait. What did you just say?

LOKI  
We are suspended somewhere between  
The Nine Realms on board a vessel of some sort.  
If we can find the cockpit, I can pilot us out of here.

DOCTOR  
Might be a little difficult with those handcuffs on.

LOKI  
Then help me get them off!

DOCTOR  
No, I don’t really think I want to just now.  
I’m getting the feeling that you might not be  
entirely...trustworthy.

LOKI  
(innocently)  
Whatever do you mean?

DOCTOR  
Well, whoever brought us here obviously is  
Not a big fan of yours. You are the only one  
bound to a podium.

LOKI  
Touche’

MILLER  
So you are trying to tell me that we are  
Not on the planet Earth right now?

LOKI  
Give the lady a prize.

DOCTOR  
(walking back towards Loki)  
You’re not very nice. And I tend to disagree  
With people who aren’t very nice.

LOKI  
Are you threatening me, Time Lord?

DOCTOR  
Well, it was more of a strongly worded warning, but yeah.

MILLER  
(standing between the two aliens)  
Is no one else bothered that we are randomly  
Floating around in space?

LOKI  
Not really.

DOCTOR  
No.

MILLER  
(exasperated)  
Fine then. Carry on.

DOCTOR  
Right, where was I?

LOKI  
Floating in the middle of space?

DOCTOR  
Ha ha.

MILLER  
We should get our bearings and try to  
remember what happened before we woke up here.  
Retrace our steps, as it were.

DOCTOR  
Good thinking. Well, I was on the TARDIS  
beginning to regenerate.

  
MILLER  
There’s that word again.

LOKI  
And I was on a Sakaaran passenger ship  
headed for Midgard. That’s Earth to you humans.

MILLER  
I was in my office dozing off in the middle of paperwork.  
Does that help us?

LOKI  
Not really.

DOCTOR  
No.

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
Ladies and Gentlemen  
THIS IIIIISSS JEOPARDY

(The JEOPARDY Theme Music begins to play.  
Our three hapless heroes peer  
around anxiously. A spotlight stops on the Doctor,  
who momentarily freezes.)

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
Contestant #1 hails from Gallifrey,  
can’t decide how old he is, and really  
doesn’t want to regenerate. It’s the Doctor!

(Doctor looking sheepish as spotlight beams over to Miller.)

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
Contestant #2 is a former MI6 agent…

MILLER  
No, she’s not!

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
...Likes to do dangerous spy work when pregnant…

MILLER  
What the hell?

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
and was facing a whole heap of trouble on Earth,  
Angela Burr!

MILLER  
IT’S ELLIE MILLER!

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
Our third contestant is a Frost Giant  
of Jotunheim that considers Asgard his home, and was  
about to meet a gruesome end at the hands of Thanos…

LOKI  
(growing pale under the spotlight)  
What?

DISEMBODIED VOICE  
...Let’s hear it for Loki Laufeyson, god of Mischief!  
Now here’s your host...ALEXBOT!

(Clapping from an invisible audience.Then the spotlight shifts  
to a metallic figure behind a podium who vaguely resembles a  
famous television game show host).

DOCTOR  
(running hands through hair)  
Oh no! OH NO! Could we be on Satellite 5 again?  
If we are, what does it mean? Are they hostile?  
Or will our lives be spared like last time?

ALEXBOT  
Good evening, Doctor. You are incorrect to think you are on Satellite 5.  
This game is not of human making.

MILLER  
I think I’m going to throw up.

LOKI  
If you are going to vomit, kindly do it in the direction  
of the Time Lord and not on me.

  
MILLER  
(fixing him with a stare)  
I swear I’ve met you before, but you were blond…

LOKI  
(laughs derisively)  
Please, you ignoramus. Is this the face of someone  
who would look attractive with blond hair?

DOCTOR  
Well, actually….

ALEXBOT  
AHEM. As I was saying, you three were brought here to win a  
second chance at life.

MILLER  
(going green)  
Yep, definitely going to be sick.

(Loki tries inching away from Miller, but his handcuffs prevent him.)

ALEXBOT  
You were plucked from your current timelines  
at a moment of deep peril. Now you have a chance  
to change the course of fate. Win the game of Jeopardy,  
and your life will be spared. If you lose, we put you back in your time  
stream and let events play out as they were intended.

(Beat)

LOKI  
(pointing at Doctor and Miller)  
He’s a Time Lord. Just let him regenerate!  
And she was doing damn paperwork!  
Don’t tell me her life was endangered!  
I’m the only one in trouble! Spare me!

DOCTOR  
Oh, well done. Spoken just like a snivelling coward.

LOKI  
(dramatically)  
I don't care. I’m only 1500 years old. I have  
a long life ahead of me.

MILLER  
I was wrong. You don’t remind me of anyone.  
You’re a bastard!

LOKI  
How did you know?

ALEXBOT  
Enough! You will play the game,  
or we can send you back right now.

(Another beat as our heroes weigh their options.)

LOKI  
(stage whisper)  
Right, if one of you could release my bonds  
I could dismantle the robot.

DOCTOR  
Number 1, you couldn’t dismantle him because  
You’d still have no magic, and number 2, I  
don’t trust you to not run off and leave  
Miller and I to fend for ourselves.

LOKI  
Well then, what’s your brilliant plan?

DOCTOR  
(yelling in a Scottish accent)  
Millah?

MILLER  
Yes, Hardy? I mean, Doctor?

DOCTOR  
(sweetly)  
Any ideas?

MILLER  
(swallowing hard)  
Can you show us the categories, Alex?

ALEXBOT  
(beaming)  
Certainly. Your Categories are...Finish the Lyrics...  
Shakespeare...Planets...Animation...Famous Authors…  
and Potpourri. Player One, you get to choose first.

DOCTOR  
Oh, brilliant. I’ll take Shakespeare. I know Shakespeare.  
Literally. I’ve met him.

MILLER  
What?

(Alexbot waits expectantly. Doctor realises his mistake)

DOCTOR  
Sorry. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1000.  
Always start with the big numbers.

ALEXBOT  
This flamboyant king in need of a haircut lost his throne to Henry IV.

DOCTOR  
Whaaat? I don’t recall any flamboyant…

(Loki rings in whilst the Doctor is muttering)

LOKI  
Who was Richard II?

ALEXBOT  
Correct! You have control of the board.

DOCTOR  
What? WHAT? WHAAAAT?!?

LOKI  
I will take Planets for $200

ALEXBOT  
This planet is best known for being the habitat of a species of noseless dog.

DOCTOR  
(buzzing in)  
What is Barcelona?

ALEXBOT  
Right-o

DOCTOR  
Great planet, Barcelona. Never ceases to make me laugh.

MILLER  
I thought Barcelona was a city?

LOKI  
(sighing)  
It’s also a planet, foolish Midgardian.

DOCTOR  
(cheerily)  
You better start ringing in, Miller.  
You’ll need those points. I’ll take Shakespeare for $800, Alex.

ALEXBOT  
Due to its Fascist undertones, this play was banned  
for a period of time in post-World War II Germany.

(Doctor and Loki both reach for the buzzer)

ALEXBOT  
Loki?

LOKI  
What is _Coriolanus?_

ALEXBOT  
Yes!

LOKI  
What a genius, Coriolanus.

DOCTOR  
What is wrong with you? He was a murderous dictator!

LOKI  
But think of the control he had!

MILLER  
BONKERS!

LOKI  
I will take planets for $400.

ALEXBOT  
Want to see Hel freeze over? Take a trip to this dark and misty realm.

MILLER  
(buzzing as if her life depended on it, which it does)  
Oh umm, I didn’t think I would actually get in. What is Saturn?

ALEXBOT  
No!

LOKI  
(ringing in)  
What is Niflheim?

ALEXBOT  
Correct! You’re still in control of the board.

LOKI  
Planets for 6.

ALEXBOT  
Exterminate! Is the battle cry you would hear on this, the planet of the Daleks.

(All three players scramble for control)

ALEXBOT  
Miller?

MILLER  
What...is...Saturn?

ALEXBOT  
Nope! Doctor?

DOCTOR  
What is bloody, stupid, burn-in-hell SKARO?

ALEXBOT  
(blinks rapidly)  
That is correct? Doctor, you are now in control.

DOCTOR  
Oh yes! Let’s try Famous Authors for $1000.

ALEXBOT  
This thriller writer spent much of his time in the Cold War  
with books like _Tinker Tailor, Soldier, Spy._

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
I know this one! Who is John Le Carre’?

ALEXBOT  
Yes, you now take control and are out of the negative.

MILLER  
Wait a minute...John Le Carre’...  
(Miller side-eyes Loki for a moment,  
her forehead scrunched up in thought.)

LOKI  
(glaring)  
Do you mind not staring at me in that unsettling manner?

MILLER  
(shaking head)  
Never mind…I’ll take Animation for $200

ALEXBOT  
Whoo hoo!  
This Disney show features characters like Scrooge McDuck and Launchpad McQuack.

MILLER (buzzing in)  
What is DuckTales?

ALEXBOT  
Yes!

(The Doctor and Loki look at her.)

MILLER  
What?  
I have a five-year-old son at home.

DOCTOR  
Sure, we’ll go with that.

MILLER  
Animation for $400.

ALEXBOT  
Disney expanded the story of this movie with shows and specials like  
_Jake and the Neverland Pirates_ and _The Pirate Fairy._

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
What is _Peter Pan?_

ALEXBOT  
Correct.

LOKI  
What is this obsession with Disney?  
It’s almost like they own our souls or something.

DOCTOR  
Or our careers anyway.

(The Doctor and Loki exchange horrified glances.)

MILLER  
(smugly)  
Not mine, mate.  
Animation for $600.

ALEXBOT  
Oh for Thor’s Sake! This animated movie is based on  
the best-selling book series by Cressida Cowell.

LOKI  
Excuse me?  
Did you really just bring up my accursed brother?  
What does he have to do with anything?

MILLER  
Quiet. I’m trying to think.

LOKI  
You dare try to silence me, mortal?!

MILLER  
That’s right, you...whatever-you-are.  
Consider yourself well and truly shushed!

ALEXBOT  
Contestants will please refrain from commentary unrelated to the answer at hand.

DOCTOR, LOKI, and MILLER  
Shut up!

ALEXBOT  
(sparking a little as the “time’s up” chime rings)  
The correct response was:  
What is _How to Train Your Dragon?_

DOCTOR  
(noticing the malfunctioning robot)  
Interesting…

MILLER  
Um, Finish the Lyrics for $200?

ALEXBOT  
Finish this lyric from a Proclaimers gem,  
“But I would walk 500 miles.  
And I would walk 500 more.  
Just to be the man who walks 1000 miles…”

DOCTOR  
(singing)  
To fall down at your door!  
Da da da DA!

(Loki and Miller stare at him)

DOCTOR  
Well, aren’t you gonna sing it with me?

LOKI  
Absolutely n-  
(The Doctor nods slightly toward Alexbot who is now smoking slightly.  
Loki suddenly realises his plan.)  
Oh, what the Hel?  
(sings)  
Da da da DA!

DOCTOR  
Da da da DA!

MILLER  
(not understanding, but joining in)  
Da da da DA!

DOCTOR, LOKI, and MILLER  
Da da da da da la da da da da la da DA!

ALEXBOT  
(spasming slightly)  
Correct? I guess?

DOCTOR  
Planets for $800

ALEXBOT  
This planet was mistakenly thought to be the home of the Kronans,  
a stony species of humanoid aliens.

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
Uh, What is...Saturn?

LOKI  
Oh, for the love of-

ALEXBOT  
Yes!

LOKI  
What?!  
She actually got one right?!

DOCTOR  
(grinning wildly)  
Humans.  
I love humans.  
Humans are amazing.

(Loki mutters incoherently to himself.)

MILLER  
Animation for $600?

ALEXBOT  
This animation company has had several duds in the  
recent years like _The Pirates! Band of Misfits_ and _Early Man_ ,  
the only saving grace being the voice acting.

LOKI  
(buzzing in)  
Could it, perchance, be Disney again?

ALEXBOT  
No!

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
What is Aardman Animations?

ALEXBOT  
Yes!

MILLER  
(turning to Loki)  
I can see why you’d be confused.  
They seem to use the same actors.  
I’ll finish off Animation, please.

ALEXBOT  
This long running animated series has literally had  
every actor in the world guest star on it.

DOCTOR  
(Buzzing in)  
What is _The Simpsons?_ I remember this one  
episode where I...

ALEXBOT  
Incorrect.

(Miller thinks for a moment then buzzes in)

MILLER  
What is _Family Guy?_

ALEXBOT  
Right!

DOCTOR  
Oh yes! Of course!

LOKI  
Everyone has been on that mediocre  
Midgardian series.

MILLER  
(darkly, to the camera)  
Almost everyone.

ALEXBOT  
Pl...pl..please refrain from comments.  
You’re in control, Miller.

MILLER  
Finish the lyric for $400?

ALEXBOT  
Finish the Lyric from this 2005 Coldplay song,  
“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and…”

DOCTOR  
(singing)  
“I will try to fix you!”

(Miller, Loki, and Alexbot stare)

DOCTOR  
(shrugging)  
I like Coldplay. Deal with it!  
Ahem, can I have my points, please?

(Alexbot twitches for a moment, and then $400 points  
are added to the Doctor’s score).

DOCTOR  
Shakespeare for $600.

ALEXBOT  
Before he was this king, he was Hal,  
running around shirtless in English baths.

LOKI  
What the Hel does that have to  
do with Shakespeare?

MILLER  
I dunno. I was thinking the same  
thing when I saw the most recent adaptation  
on the telly.

DOCTOR  
(buzzing in)  
Who was Henry V?

ALEXBOT  
Correct.

DOCTOR  
That Hal. Such a troublemaker.  
I recall this one time…

LOKI  
But the answer still makes NO SENSE!

DOCTOR  
Shakespeare for $400.

ALEXBOT  
This play could also be called,  
“Plenty of Hullabaloo over Nada.”

(Doctor and Loki both scramble for control)

DOCTOR  
What is _Much Ado About Nothing?_

ALEXBOT  
Yes!

LOKI  
(smashing control)  
This buzzer is CLEARLY broken.

DOCTOR  
(smugly)  
I’ll take the last Shakespeare, please.

ALEXBOT  
The famous “To be or not to be…” soliloquy comes  
from this play, one of the most  
popular of Shakespeare’s tragedies.

(All three try to ring in)

DOCTOR  
(hopping up and down)  
WHAT IS _HAMLET?_ I love _Hamlet_.  
What an amazing play. And that speech!

LOKI  
(under his breath)  
Yes, I bet you could recite it from memory...

MILLER  
(to Loki)  
Aww, let him have it. He was at  
zero points couple seconds ago.

LOKI  
That’s true…  
(He frowns)  
But I don’t want to die. All right,  
Time Lord, your streak ends now.

DOCTOR  
Finish the Lyrics for $600.

ALEXBOT  
Led Zeppelin once sang,"The hammer of the gods  
will drive our ships to new lands,  
To fight the horde, singing and crying….”

(Doctor and Miller blink.)

DOCTOR  
Led Zeppelin actually has lyrics?  
I thought it was random screaming.

LOKI  
(buzzing in)  
What is, “Valhalla, I am coming?”  
And no, I’m not actually. Going to  
Valhalla, that is. Not for a looong time.

MILLER  
Yes, we get it. You don’t  
want to die. NONE of us do.

LOKI  
(with the air of a martyr)  
Planets for $1000.

ALEXBOT  
This planet was originally a twin to the  
Earth before giving rise to a  
new race of beings called the Cybermen.

(Doctor and Loki smash their buttons)

DOCTOR  
What is Mondas? HAH!  
Take that “god of mischief”

(Loki manages to look both stricken and incensed at the same time.)

MILLER  
(rolling eyes)  
Men.

DOCTOR  
Famous Authors for $800.

ALEXBOT  
This genius of the mystery genre is known for such books as _Murder on the Orient Express_...and for really bad movie adaptations.

(The Doctor and Miller buzz in.)

DOCTOR  
Who was Agatha Christie?

LOKI  
Let me guess, another friend of yours?

DOCTOR  
Oh, yes!  
Brilliant lady, Agatha.

MILLER  
(indignantly)  
Bad movie adaptations?  
The latest one is amazing, I’ll have you know.  
Kenneth Branagh is really a genius at casting.

LOKI  
I know, right?

ALEXBOT  
You still have control of the board, Doctor.

DOCTOR  
Authors for $600

ALEXBOT  
This fantasy novelist who wrote _Norse Mythology_  
is also known for his collaboration with Sir Terry Pratchett on _Good Omens_.

LOKI  
Ha! I bet he got me totally wrong.

ALEXBOT  
Doctor?

DOCTOR  
Who is Neil Gaiman?

ALEXBOT  
…

LOKI  
I think we broke Alexbot.  
He isn’t even telling us if we’re correct anymore.

DOCTOR  
As long as he keeps track of the score, I’m happy.

LOKI  
Famous Authors for $400

MILLER  
Oi! It’s the Doctor’s turn still.

LOKI  
Is it?  
Is it really?  
Who even knows anymore?

(Miller seems confused as she tries to figure out what is going on _ _.)_ _

ALEXBOT  
This author of _The Great Gatsby_ , was part of the “lost generation,”  
probably the only member Millennials have heard of.

LOKI  
Who was F. Scott Fitzgerald?

ALEXBOT  
Ye-ye-yes

DOCTOR  
Aren’t we being unfair to Millennials?

LOKI and MILLER  
Nah…

TBC


	2. What Do You Wager?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The contestants continue the game, and are dismayed to find that the Final Jeopardy round requires them to wager one of the other players' lives.

LOKI  
Potpourri for $200.

ALEXBOT  
This folk-tale hero swung his hammer so hard  
that he had a heart attack and died.

LOKI  
Who was Thor?

ALEXBOT  
Nooooo...

LOKI  
(laughing maniacally)  
Of course not! My brother’s  
not dead!  
No, he gets to live.  
I’m the one whose birthright was to die.

DOCTOR  
Mmm hmm, I think he’s starting  
to crack.

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
Who was John Henry?

ALEXBOT  
You have control of the board!

MILLER  
Finish the Lyric for $800.

ALEXBOT  
(whirs briefly before speaking)  
This is a tricky one: “We're up all night 'til the sun  
We're up all night to get some  
We're up all night for good fun  
We're up all night to get…”

MILLER  
What is “lucky”?

ALEXBOT  
(gleefully)  
WRONG!

MILLER  
THAT IS NOT WRONG! What  
the hell?

(The Doctor and Loki are stumped)

ALEXBOT  
The correct response is “What is ‘Loki’?”  
It’s a theme song of earth fangirls  
everywhere.

(The Doctor and Miller side-eye Loki)

LOKI  
(confused)  
I assure you, I have never heard  
any Midgardian sing to me. It’s  
always about Thor.

DOCTOR  
(waving his hands animatedly)  
It’s very possible we’re talking about  
a parallel earth where your  
virtuous brother is ignored in favour  
of you and your evil deeds and decidedly  
pale and greasy features.

MILLER  
(bitterly)  
Women do love a bad boy, for some  
stupid reason. I should know.

DOCTOR  
That, or the Alexbot is _really_ broken.

MILLER  
Finish the Lyrics for $1000.

ALEXBOT  
Finish this Shakira megahit, “Hey Girl,  
I can see your body moving  
And it's driving me crazy.  
And I didn't have the slightest idea until…”

(The Doctor and Miller shrug at each other.  
Loki drums his free hand on the podium for a moment before  
breaking down and ringing in.)

LOKI  
(uncharacteristically blushing)  
Oh, alright then.  
What is “I saw you dancing”?

The Doctor and Miller look at each other, then at Loki.  
They burst out laughing.)

LOKI  
What can I say? I’m eclectic.  
You’d be surprised to see what else is on my playlist.  
Ahem...Potpourri for $400.

ALEXBOT  
This mustachioed dictator has the dubious  
distinction of being responsible for  
the deaths of 20-25 million people.

(All three try ringing in)

ALEXBOT  
Doctor?

DOCTOR  
Who was the Master? Obviously,  
not my Master, but the Svengali  
looking chap I fought in  
my younger years.

ALEXBOT  
Umm...no?

MILLER  
(ringing in)  
Who was Hitler?

ALEXBOT  
Nope.

LOKI  
(buzzing in)  
Who was Stalin?

ALEXBOT  
Correct!

LOKI  
You two need to study up on  
your genocidal megalomaniacs.

MILLER  
And just when you were starting  
to be charming…

DOCTOR  
As loath as I am to admit it,  
he has a point. Those who don’t  
know history are doomed to repeat it.

ALEXBOT  
You have three questions left.  
Shall we continue?

LOKI  
Potpourri for $600

ALEXBOT  
Naked, yet helmed in glory, he stood,  
guarding the entrance to an ancient city  
and welcoming all peaceful visitors.

LOKI  
First, shirtless Shakespeare, now gratuitous nudity?  
What is this, a fanfic?

MILLER  
What’s a fanfic?

LOKI  
(to the camera)  
Oh, the irony.

ALEXBOT  
The correct response was  
“What was the Colossus of Rhodes?”

LOKI  
Potpourri for $800

ALEXBOT  
One individual of this species, dubbed "Methuselah",  
is one of the world's oldest living organisms at around 4,600 years old.

MILLER  
What is Linden?

ALEXBOT  
No.

DOCTOR  
What is Birch?

ALEXBOT  
Uh-uh

LOKI  
(condescendingly)  
What is Pine?

ALEXBOT  
Correct

MILLER  
(staring at Loki again)  
Linden...Birch...Pine...Jonathan?

LOKI  
Look, woman, we have never met before!

DOCTOR  
Maybe you have in a parallel universe.

LOKI  
(sarcastically)  
Like the one where I have an army of rabid fangirls?

DOCTOR  
Could be.

ALEXBOT  
(jerking wildly about)  
P-p-p-please finish the g-g-g-game.

MILLER  
Gladly.

ALEXBOT  
Om nom nom.  
This large green monster frequently ate game show contestants  
on the UK version of _Muppets Tonight_.

LOKI  
(buzzing in)  
Easy. Who is Cookie Monster?

ALEXBOT  
Wrong!

MILLER  
Cookie Monster isn’t green!

LOKI  
But he om nom noms!

DOCTOR  
(buzzing in)  
I know! Who is Oscar the Grouch?

ALEXBOT  
Also wrong.

DOCTOR  
Awwwww.

MILLER  
(buzzing in)  
Who is Big Green Carl?

ALEXBOT  
Correct!  
Unfortunately, since you three wasted so much  
time with the first round,  
we only have time for Final Jeopardy!

MILLER  
Thank god.

LOKI  
You’re welcome.

DOCTOR  
Please. You will never be a god.

LOKI  
(thinking to himself)  
Ooh. I like that line.

ALEXBOT  
The Final Jeopardy Category is:  
“Breaking the Fourth Wall.”

LOKI  
Boring.

ALEXBOT  
But to make things more interesting,  
You must wager a contestant’s life instead of your winnings.  
If you ask the wrong question, that player dies.

MILLER  
Hey! That’s not fair!  
It’s like the first round never happened at all!

DOCTOR  
Where’s the continuity?  
Such lazy writing, honestly!

ALEXBOT  
Now, if you will excuse me for a moment,  
I need to get my wiring checked.  
Happy betting!  
(Alexbot rolls out of the room)

LOKI  
(grinning evilly)  
Oh, this will be fun.

DOCTOR  
Loki…

LOKI  
What?  
(Beat)  
All right, I’ll make a deal with you.  
Both of us will wager the human’s meager existence.  
That way at least one of us will make it out alive.

MILLER  
WHAT?!

DOCTOR  
And that’ll be me because you just made her very cross.

LOKI  
(realising his mistake)  
Ellie! I do hope I didn’t offend  
you with that careless comment.  
Of course we should both vote for the Time Lord.

MILLER  
Nice try, trickster.

DOCTOR  
Look, the only way we are going to get through this  
is if we overload the Alexbot.

LOKI  
And pray, how do we accomplish that?  
All of our pointless jabbering has done nothing but make it spark a little.

DOCTOR  
There’s only one thing to do:  
We each have to wager ourselves.

MILLER  
But that’s crazy!  
You actually believe that this...sociopath will risk his own life to save ours?

LOKI  
(innocently)  
Of course I will.  
Trust me.

DOCTOR  
Loki, I need you to listen very carefully to me.  
Even if you kill one of us, that doesn’t guarantee your safety.  
Assuming Miller and I wager ourselves and win,  
You will be left chained to a podium with a very cross companion.  
And you better hope it isn’t me.

LOKI  
So I will have to sacrifice you instead, Kilgrave.  
I can live with that.

DOCTOR  
Kilgrave?  
What are you babbling about now?

LOKI  
Sorry, you reminded me of someone else for a moment.  
(glares at Miller)  
Your stupidity is apparently wearing off on me now.

MILLER  
Oi! Who are you calling stupid?

LOKI  
(ignoring her)  
Whatever your name is, you’re a dead man.

DOCTOR  
Then you have no problem being returned to  
your original timeline and being needlessly  
slaughtered by the Mad Titan.

LOKI  
(blanching)  
But...but...but Alexbot said my life would be spared!

DOCTOR  
You would take the word of the people who kidnapped you  
and entered you into this sick game in the first place?

MILLER  
He has a point.

LOKI  
I should just believe you instead?

DOCTOR  
Have I steered you wrong so far?

LOKI  
There’s still time.

DOCTOR  
Look, there comes a time in everyone’s life where he decides  
what kind of person he’s going to be.  
This is that moment.  
What’s it going to be?  
Will you be the hero or the villain?  
You’ll always be the god of mischief,  
but you could be so much more.

LOKI  
My idiot brother said that to me once.  
He always believes that I can be better,  
no matter how many times I betray him.

DOCTOR  
Isn’t it about time you proved him right?

LOKI  
But I already did!  
Don’t tell me you didn’t see _Ragnarok_ either!  
Why does everyone think it’s perfectly fine to just ignore that movie?  
Why even Markus and McFeely pretend it doesn't-

DOCTOR  
Loki, you’re breaking the fourth wall again, and  
we haven’t even seen the Jeopardy answer yet.  
Besides, why are you surprised?  
They wrote _The Dark World_ as well,  
and that was also a hot mess.  
  
LOKI  
(gasps)  
I'd forgotten about that.  
(bitterly)  
Those bastards have been trying to kill me since 2013.  
(aside)  
At least my death scene in  _that_ movie was   
well-written and beautifully directed.   
and then later changed to be fake.

MILLER  
OI! DOCTOR! LOKI!  
  
DOCTOR  
What?

MILLER  
Focus, please.

LOKI  
Right.

(Alexbot rolls back in, looking as sheepish as a robot possibly can.)

ALEXBOT  
Well, this is most awkward.  
It seems we plucked the wrong  
person from the wrong universe.  
Contestant #2, you are not Angela Burr.

MILLER  
Of course not! I’ve only been  
saying that since the bloody beginning!

ALEXBOT  
We will, of course, return you to Earth  
right away, memories erased.  
No harm done.

MILLER  
No harm done?!  
You’re playing with our lives!

DOCTOR  
(delicately)  
Miller, it might be a good idea to just  
accept their gracious terms and go home.

MILLER  
But you and Loki…

DOCTOR  
We’ll be fine.

LOKI  
(with an air of tragedy)  
Or we won’t. But why should you care?

DOCTOR  
Ignore him.  
(nervously)  
And Millah?

MILLER  
Yes, Har--Doctor?

DOCTOR  
(rubbing the back of his neck with his hand)  
When you get back,  
can you be nice to that Hardy  
chap? He seems like a decent  
enough bloke.

MILLER  
(amused)  
Sure, Doctor.

(She leans in to give him a kiss on the cheek.  
She turns to Loki and thinks for a moment. Then  
she shrugs and gives him a peck, too)

MILLER  
I know you can do the right thing.

LOKI  
All evidence to the contrary.

(Miller rolls her eyes and sighs. She  
addresses the robot.)

MILLER  
All right, Alexbot. I’m  
ready to go home to my kids.

(A luminescence surrounds Miller as she  
slowly beams away back to Earth)

ALEXBOT  
(almost insanely)  
Gentlemen, time to make your wager.  
Remember, you are wagering lives  
not points.

LOKI  
(sardonically)  
Thank you. I had _totally_ forgotten  
that fact.

DOCTOR  
Have you forgotten what  
we talked about, as well?

LOKI  
Nooo...but surely the game has  
changed with Miller gone? Every  
man for himself?

(The Doctor has a manic gleam in his eyes).

DOCTOR  
You do realise what this means don’t you?  
You show me mine, I’ll show you yours.  
It’s known as mutually assured destruction.

LOKI  
You wouldn’t dare.

DOCTOR  
Wouldn’t I?  
I’m willing to die if necessary.  
What about you?

LOKI  
(hesitating for a moment, finally agrees)  
All right! I yield!

DOCTOR  
You always do.

(The Doctor and Loki hurriedly scribble  
their own names with their styluses.)

ALEXBOT  
Time for the moment of truth!  
The final Jeopardy answer is…  
Wait a minute.  
Something’s not right.  
(whirring and beeping ensues)  
I just received your wagers and-  
What?  
You both wagered yourselves?  
That’s impossible!

DOCTOR  
Sorry, Alex.  
That word is not in my vocabulary.

ALEXBOT  
No!  
This wasn’t supposed to happen!  
You were both supposed to wager the Doctor,  
and then I would send him back to his timeline  
and torture Loki for the Tesseract.  
  
LOKI  
Sorry to disappoint.  
Wait, no I’m not.

ALEXBOT  
My sources stated that Loki always makes the wrong decision  
and the Doctor always makes the right one.

LOKI  
Your sources are clearly-  
Wait a minute!  
What do you mean I always make the wrong decision?

ALEXBOT  
I cannot handle this!  
Alexbot malfunctioning!  
Error, error!

(Alexbot explodes, gears showering down all over the studio.  
Wires, like pieces of nerve and sinew, land in the Doctor and Loki’s hair.)

LOKI  
Well, that was unnecessarily graphic, authors.

DISEMBODIED FEMALE VOICES  
Sorry, not sorry.

(The Doctor pulls his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket  
And aims it at Loki’s handcuff. It unlocks with a satisfying click.  
Loki is speechless.)

DOCTOR  
(Pointedly)  
You’re welcome.

LOKI  
You had a device that could release me  
THIS WHOLE TIME?

DOCTOR  
Yes...and if I had used it  
at the beginning of the game you would have  
mucked it all up for Miller and me.

LOKI  
Naturally, but you...I…

DOCTOR  
Are you done blathering?  
Cos’ we need to save your life.

(The Doctor aims his Sonic Screwdriver into the air. After several seconds  
of silence, a sudden whirring/screeching not unlike  
that of an asthmatic walrus punctures the air.  
The TARDIS materialises).

LOKI  
Your time machine needs a tune-up.

DOCTOR  
(opening the TARDIS door)  
Allons-y!

LOKI  
_Oui, ça marche!_  
 _Sortons d'ici!_  
(Yes, I agree. Let’s get out of here)

DOCTOR  
(amazed)  
Oh, look at that, you can actually speak French.  
Good for you.

LOKI  
Less talking, more walking, Doctor!

DOCTOR  
Said the pot to the kettle.

(The two rush into the TARDIS,  
which dematerialises with a groan of rusty brakes.)

Fade to:

INT. The TARDIS

The Doctor is at the console. Loki is wandering around the time machine, obviously impressed in spite of himself.

LOKI  
Not bad, although the decor could use updating.

DOCTOR  
(disappointed)  
You’re not going to comment on the fact that it’s bigger on the inside?

LOKI  
Pft. I know all about dimensional transcendentalism.

DOCTOR  
You’re no fun.

LOKI  
Tell me, how is it exactly that we plan avoiding my untimely fate?

DOCTOR  
I will simply drop you off somewhere safe in your universe.

LOKI  
With Thanos around, I’m not sure where that would be.

DOCTOR  
Well, safe-ish then.

LOKI  
He’s just going to come for me again.  
I have something he wants.

DOCTOR  
(putting the pieces together)  
And that would be…  
the Tesseract thing Alexbot mentioned?

LOKI  
(producing the Tesseract out of thin air.)  
Finally! My powers are back!

DOCTOR  
An Infinity Stone?  
Blimey! You really do like to play with fire, don’t you?

LOKI  
Well, what am I to do with it?

DOCTOR  
The spaceship they held us on was located in a bubble universe  
connecting yours and mine.  
They must’ve used the Tesseract to transport us there,  
even though they couldn’t retrieve it until you revealed it.  
I can take it back to where I’m from.  
That way Thanos can’t get it.

LOKI  
(looking longingly at the Tesseract)  
But but but-

DOCTOR  
Do you want the sparkly blue cube thing or your life?  
Because you can’t have both.

LOKI  
My life! My life!

DOCTOR  
Well, then.  
(He sighs)  
Of course, now that we’ve left that bubble universe,  
I will start to regenerate again.

LOKI  
(causing the Tesseract to disappear)  
Is there no way to save us both?

DOCTOR  
I’m afraid not, Trickster-god.

LOKI  
You would do that? For me?

DOCTOR  
Weeelll, not just for you.  
Your entire universe is in danger.  
And it’s my responsibility to fix that.

LOKI  
But why?

DOCTOR  
(suddenly grinning)  
Because I’m the Doctor! Now what  
we need to do is convince  
this oversized purple raisin that you  
have handed over the Tesseract.  
For that, we will need some  
of your magic.

LOKI  
(smirking)  
I’d thought you’d never ask.

DOCTOR  
Can you make an accurate replica  
of the Tesseract?

LOKI  
(conjuring a copy)  
Child’s play.

DOCTOR  
(waving his sonic screwdriver over it)  
It looks convincing, but...it’s giving  
off entirely different readings than  
the original...and it’s not corporeal.  
How are we supposed to give  
this to Thanos?

LOKI  
Pardon me if my powers aren’t  
godly enough for you.

DOCTOR  
(adjusting the settings on the sonic)  
Oi! Quit your moping!  
We can amend all that.  
If I can just boost the signal  
of your magic, anything you summon  
will be able to take physical form.

LOKI  
(quirking an eyebrow)  
_Anything?_

DOCTOR  
(stops his fiddling)  
Yes, Anything. Why? Do you  
have any other tricks up your sleeve?

(Loki summons a clone of himself)

DOCTOR  
Why, you mad, mischievous god,  
I could kiss you!

BOTH LOKIS  
(smiling with said mischief)  
Ah, but which one?

Fade to:

INT. The Sakaaran Ship

Mass pandemonium as Asgardians are slaughtered left and right. Basically the beginning of  
_Infinity War_. The TARDIS materialises in the midst of this carnage. The Doctor opens the door and trips over a corpse. He kneels next to the body for a moment.

DOCTOR  
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

(Loki tentatively steps out of the TARDIS, his  
eyes wide with fear).

LOKI  
I don’t think I can do this.

DOCTOR  
(faking his enthusiasm)  
Nonsense. You have the enhanced  
Tesseract replica. You only need to  
deliver it to Thanos, and  
he’ll leave you alone.

LOKI  
Is that a promise?

(The Doctor stumbles back, yellow  
light sparking from his fingers).

DOCTOR  
You have the word of a dying man.  
Remember, you always have a choice.  
Be the man you were _made_ to be.

(Loki considers the words carefully, then nods and marches off.  
The Doctor stumbles back into the TARDIS where...

INT. The TARDIS

...the real Loki sits, leaning on the TARDIS, his arms crossed).

LOKI  
Does it bother you at all that you just sent  
my clone off to die?

DOCTOR  
(wincing from pain)  
Time Lord Victorious. I always  
go a bit power-mad before I  
regenerate.

LOKI  
Well, as long as your conscience is clear…

DOCTOR  
Are you having second thoughts?

LOKI  
Absolutely not. Better him than me.

(Doctor groans as he holds back more  
regenerative energy.)

DOCTOR  
Somehow I feel Miller would not approve  
What about Thor?  
Aren’t you worried about his safety?

LOKI  
Oh, please.  
My brother was born under a lucky star or some such.  
He’ll be fine. He always is.  
Besides, he doesn’t have the Tesseract.  
Thanos will realize that and go for the next Stone.

(The Doctor hits a lever and the TARDIS dematerialises and the re-materialises  
Thousands of miles away from the spaceship.)

DOCTOR  
This is your stop.

LOKI  
Where are we?

DOCTOR  
Some place called the Sanctum Sanctorum.  
There’s a wizard here who can help you out.  
He’s a Doctor, like me.

LOKI  
Not Doctor Strange!  
He really doesn’t like me very much.

DOCTOR  
Neither did I when I first met you.  
But you’ve grown on me.  
(sotto voce)  
Just in case, I might use those powers of yours  
and disguise yourself as someone trustworthy.

LOKI  
We left Banner on the Sakaaran ship with my  
brother. I could disguise myself as him.  
Scientists are always so respected by humans for some reason.  
Speaking of which, I should probably make sure  
those two got away from Thanos.  
They really are in desperate need of my leadership.  
(backing toward the door)  
Doctor, I don’t know how to thank you.

DOCTOR  
Loki.

LOKI  
(innocently)  
What?

DOCTOR  
You still have the real Tesseract.

LOKI  
(summoning it back again and handing it over)  
It was worth a shot.

DOCTOR  
You have a long battle in front of you.  
Thanos will still be incredibly powerful even with one less Infinity Stone.  
You will need every ounce of courage you can muster.

LOKI  
I’m actually more of the “fight and run away” type.  
(The Doctor fixes him with a Look.)  
Oh, all right.  
I’ll help my brother defend the universe and all that nonsense.

DOCTOR  
That’s the spirit.  
(The Doctor begins to glow again.)  
I wish I could stay but  
ironically, I’m out of time, which is  
a shame, because I really don’t  
want to go.

LOKI  
Farewell, Time Lord.

DOCTOR  
Godspeed, Loki Odinson.

LOKI  
(testing it out)  
Odin’s Son.  
Yes.

(Dramatic music builds to a crescendo)

LOKI  
(Looking at the camera)  
How the Hel do we  
End this thing?

DISEMBODIED VOICES  
No frickin’ clue.

LOKI  
(rolling his eyes)  
Must I do _everything_?

(The god of mischief waves his hand and…)

FADE TO BLACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weekend _Infinity War_ released, my sister, Cassandra_Elise, had this dream that Tom Hiddleston and David Tennant were on Celebrity Jeopardy. I was so disappointed that this wasn't a reality that I decided to write a fic based on that premise. I decided that it would be much funnier if their most famous characters were the ones playing the game show. I was a bit stuck as to who should be the third contestant. Loki and the Doctor both have such attention-seeking larger-than-life presences that I decided I needed a "straight-man" to balance them out. Cassandra suggested Ellie Miller because she is a fairly ordinary, albeit fiercely intelligent, person, and her reactions to the other two characters would more closely match the reader's if he or she was in that situation. The confusion caused by the fact that Olivia Coleman has played opposite both Tom and David (in _The Night Manager_ and _Broadchurch_ respectively) was just too delightful to pass up. 
> 
> All of the answers (with the exception of the Potpourri category) are based on either the MCU/DW fandoms, other roles that the three actors have played, or interviews/appearances as themselves. Potpourri was just an excuse to trip them up by tricking them into asking _All the Wrong Questions_. (See what I did there?) 
> 
> As I started to write, I realised that the Powers That Be who spirited them away to this spaceship needed a purpose for their actions. Since I was deeply upset by both Loki and the Doctor's deaths, I decided that this would be my chance to rescue one of them, if only in an AU setting. The winner would be spared an untimely and unnecessary death. Of course, as Loki points out, he is the only one who actually needs saving, so he's the one who gets the reprieve. We based the loophole Loki exploits on two fan theories we found online that explained how the trickster god could theoretically still be alive.
> 
> I hope you had fun and chuckled a little (or a lot) at the references to the bodies of work of three amazingly talented actors whom I look forward to seeing in fresh new roles for years to come, even if my favourite portrayals have come to an end.


End file.
